My journey of self-discovery and identity

2020 has been a year of self-discovery, a year of questioning my identity, goals and obstacles. I didn’t realise how clueless I was about myself until very recently, when I discovered a lot of things about myself and finally were able to understand why I do the things I do, why I behave the way I behave and why I feel the way I feel. I also discovered I’m not stupid and I’m not lazy simply because I want. I found out that I am not different just on the outside, I’m different on the inside, as well.

ADHD, ASD and anxiety

I’m always spacing out and daydreaming, prisoner of my mind. I’m extremely forgetful, impulsive, fidgety, confused, lazy. I can’t stop procrastinating, I just can’t get things done until the last minute. I thought it was just a lot of bad habits, I thought I just sucked at everything because I had no motivation, but the thing is I lose motivation quickly. I thought I was a weird and shitty version of normal, until I took a popular test just for fun.

And I said, wait… what are ADD and ADHD exactly? So, I decided to read more about it and I could definitely relate to pretty much everything. The more I read, the more I felt described and the more I was convinced I could have it. It was like if they were talking about me, I had finally found a word that perfectly describes my situation. So, I told my parents about the possibility of me having ADHD, they were very supportive and took me to the psychiatrist a few weeks later, where I was indeed diagnosed with ADHD, but also with ASD and anxiety, and was prescribed medication. But as soon as I realised about me having ADHD weeks before, I started recalling a lot of things about my childhood that were just not normal, we always knew there was something wrong with me.

Also, ASD? I had discarded that self-diagnosis a while ago, because I thought I didn’t have enough traits common among autistic people such as meltdowns, shutdowns, alexithymia and sensory issues (well I do have some mild ones, though). But I’ve been told twice I could possibly be autistic and I do match many criteria since I was a child. I might have been misdiagnosed, but well, let’s just say I am autistic only because I’m definitely not non-autistic. And anxiety… some mild problems, especially with social anxiety.

Non-binary gender identity

Agender flag

Non-binary flag

I’ve never seemed to fit either with men, nor with women, I’ve always felt like I have a very neutral and non-stereotyped personality, like something in between or simply not in the traditional binary. Like, I feel too feminine around boys and too masculine around girls! I didn’t feel like having a place in the world before, and that could lead to some depression, anxiety and intrusive thoughts; until I discovered my real identity: non-binary and agender are words that actually describe me. I don’t feel like I have a gender or that it is constantly flowing very slightly, but pretty much stays neutral and limited.

This interesting article really helped me clarify my doubts and understand myself when I first discovered my gender identity: