Overengineering my life

Gemini version of this post

I’ve always been a year-oriented person. I measure my life in years, rather than in moments or milestones, because I believe that years are a perfect measurement unit. Years make it easier for me to think and reflect about the way my life is shaking out.

I haven’t felt quite right since 2020. 2020 was an important year of my life, and it had its special moments, but it was also the beginning of the end of the magic inside me: the Spirit of 2019. I often find myself recalling 2019 and feeling nostalgic about the things that made it special. I wish I could feel the same way again, but now things feel dull and boring.

Year after year, everything increasingly feels like monotony. There’s nothing in my life that brings me the same joy that I used to feel back in the old days of 2019 and before. Besides, my mind is often looking for ways to torture me, especially in the moments that I want to enjoy the most.

After several yearly emotional crises, I eventually grew tired of feeling the same way, all the time, and not being able to trust my mind anymore. I wouldn’t let myself repeat the same mistakes of the previous years anymore. I would engineer my life in such a way that things could only be perfect. 2023 had to be 2019 part two! The next best year of my life!

As part of the protocol, I restricted myself from doing many things, just as a safety measure. I sought to bring meaning to my life by setting goals and projects that I would work tirelessly to achieve. I even got a job in free software! I would dedicate all my attention and energy in learning and focusing on my goals, and I wouldn’t let my mind sink into a negativity spiral, not again! 2023 would be a perfect year, and things would change for good!

However, all I managed to achieve was to fall into a loop of toxicity, negativity, and obsession. I restricted myself from doing too many things, most of them without any real reason whatsoever, to the point of them being absurd and even harmful to myself. The more I think about avoiding them at all costs, the more I fall into a bad mood, and cause myself more harm. I feel like I can’t escape this loop. It only gets stronger, as I add more things into the list and feel more strongly about them.

In terms of productivity, I reached a point in which I can’t get myself to do anything anymore. I’m risking my school and job, because I simply have no energy nor motivation to do anything. I can’t get myself started on anything, and I’ve mostly stopped pursuing most of my projects and goals. I left everything unfinished, and I’m always in a state of disarray.

I have made several attempts to force myself back into the moodsphere of 2019, and awakening the Spirit of 2019 once again. I listen to Alvvays all the time, because it’s the music that brings me the most nostalgia. I sit in places at school that remind me of some of my happiest moments. But no matter how much I try, I can’t project those feelings into my present. 2019 is dead, for good.

Recently, as I feel the end of university approach, I have a feeling of unease. For many years, school has been my only escape from my monotone life at home, from my own mind, and from loneliness. School is the only independence I have, it’s my only chance of socializing with other people in real life, and of being myself without fear of judgement; and now it’s nearing its end. I don’t want it to end.

Will things ever be different? Or will I stay trapped into the same loop forever? I can’t really feel positive right now, as I made of negativity a lifestyle to me. I can’t see a bright future for me. My hopes are low, especially now that my mind managed to torture me once again. And of course, my parents don’t know about any of this, because I’m unable to tell them. They always assume I’m feeling good, but it’s not that simple.